3.6.5. Peace

When my son was cooking we thought about a "quiet birth". The thought is that when a baby is born the experience can be quite traumatic, so a peaceful serene birth and instant skin to skin contact can set the baby up to feel more secure from second one. First impressions are everything, right? So we considered it and then laughed. Out loud. Between my husband and I, and both sets of parents (Well, really excluding Brad's dad. He is a quiet man unless sports are on.) we felt that might be giving out sweet boy the absolute wrong impression of us. It's amazing to me that we are not Italian somewhere. We are a loud large family. Peaceful birth - out. Peaceful life?

Before you have kids, you adult conversations and general way of life is entirely up to you. If you're telling a funny story and you're loud, oh well. Sometimes it makes it funnier. If you're mad and you're loud, oh well. It gets your point across. Right? At least that is what you're adrenaline tells you.

Well over the past 3 years I have noticed that not only are we loud, but our son and daughter are too. Let me clear up that they are not the tantrum in the grocery kind of kids, and they don't scream in a quiet setting (save their infant stages... who can blame them?). My kids laugh loud, talk loud, whisper loud, cry loud, and on and on. The one major problem with all of this is that being loud doesn't really promote LISTENING!

I've been thinking about it for a while, and seeing other mom's who exhibit such a peaceful nature, I find myself wondering how they developed that. Not everyone is born with a peaceful disposition. Not everyone is "still" in the waiting. Not everyone is quite when they get happy or angry or anything in between. I can't understand people who are ducks.(as my mother would say: Be a duck. Let it roll off of your back.) I was raised to know right and wrong and it irritates the fire out of me when someone else acts like they don't know how to treat another human being. I was taught to listen and I can't stand when people don't listen to me.

So it has really been on my heart to try and commit myself to not raise my voice in an attempt for a more peaceful environment for my children. Of course I'm going to cheer loud when daughter uses the potty, but I mean in a negative way. Towards ANYONE. I tend to take on too much at one time so I feel that this is a very lofty goal. I can't get upset if someone cuts me off endangering my babies? I can't get upset when I ask my husband 20 time to put the kid's shoes on so we can leave? I can't get upset when my 3yr old looks me in the face and does exactly opposite of what I ask him to do?

My best and only remaining friend from my single semester in college and I had lunch yesterday. I could barely get a word out. My voice is gone. This hasn't happened since I was 16. The conversation came to be about being content and peaceful. Right there. Smacking me right in the face. "Hello Courtney, This is your GOD speaking. I've turned off your voice. I've been trying to tell you for a while now that you need to work on yourself a bit."

When I got home from a most refreshing sunny afternoon lunch I had no choice but to whisper to my children. At first it was so easy. They were so happy to be out on the back porch in the sunshine playing on their slide that hadn't been put together since December. It got a bit difficult trying to communicate about coming inside, but I noticed something amazing. The quieter I was the more they struggled to listen to me. I was no longer white noise my son was tuning out, but rather someone he was concentrating to hear and understand.

Later my husband and I got into a somewhat serious discussion about finances,(You know the deal. Never fun unless you're someone who has hit the lottery.)and I began to feel emotional. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't physically raise my voice. I had no choice but to speak softly to him. So after seeing the direct results of what I believe is God's new assignment for me, I am going to hold my self accountable to 365 days of peace. I'm hoping that trying every day will make it a life changing habit for me. Hopefully if I can lay my loud reactive nature at his feet, I can come to a better understand of my favorite verse. It is on a beautiful painting gifted to us by my parents, hanging in our room.

Psalms 37:7 "Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him." 

Here is to you: May you be still, calm, quiet when advantageous, and PEACEFUL!

Courtney

Worrying/Praying Mommy 101

How do you manage your fears?
As a mommy, worrying is part of our job description right? I worry about my kids constantly. Their health, future, etc. We worry and we pray. A LOT. 

1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing"

I own that verse! :)


When I worry I get anxiety. When I have anxiety I pray. A lot! I know God made me perfectly and uniquely and he knows I have anxiety and fear, but it wasn't until recently that someone described my anxiety as a SIN. ANXIETY A SIN? It's an affliction. It's in me. It's my genetic make-up right? It's a direct result to circumstance, or lack of stress management, but a sin? Doctors don't call it that. My mother doesn't call it that. It's so widely accepted these days that it seems as if every other person has some form of it and though I am not, a lot of folks just take a pill and move forward.


I have been afraid as long as I can remember. When we moved to our first "owned" home on Griselda Drive (Love that I will always remember my first address) I was terrified of night things. Ware wolves, monsters, etc. I insisted that my parent's keep their doors open. At five I became afraid of Santa Clause. (I know I'm a dork.) We had a fire going and I was just sure he would be angry about not getting down the chimney safely and kidnap me to teach my parents a lesson. I was afraid of kidnappers, robbers, dogs, sharks, large cats, and on and on. As I got older a lot of my fears subsided, but some remained and someone decided to put a name on it for me. Anxiety. I didn't/don't want anxiety so I decided to pray it away. 
It was the same prayer every night and sometimes in the day. "Dear Jesus, Please give me the ability to overcome my fears and worries. Please take away this anxiety from me so I can be a person at peace." Sometimes i was more specific asking things like: "Please help me to stop being afraid at night of break-ins." 
I have tried other methods also. I don't watch scary shows or movies. Goodbye to my beloved CSI and Law and Order. I was having too many nightmares. 
So, if I was praying and trying to mind my p's and q's of curbing my fears, why wasn't he curing me? Not only did I not think of it as a sin, I certainly didn't think it was my own fault. It was just an affliction and he was going to, leprosy style, remove it from me upon my request. Then I read this verse and things started making sense: 
Matthew 6:8 Do not be like them(Heathens), for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.It occurred to me that maybe I AM a part of the problem. I have a sin that I need to confess as such instead of begging as though I am helpless. If I follow my own beliefs I am not, in fact helpless. 
Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
"I will sing to the Lord, and I will lift my voice. For you have heard my cry!" 
He has given me the tools I need to work on eliminating the sin of Anxiety and worry. He has promised me faithfulness and that his plans are to prosper me. Because of my own free will I can get into my own way. Begging the Lord for something he has already provided is wasting my own time. 

When you worry as a Mommy for your children, be sure to ground yourself on the promises of the Father! I've always been a fan if eradicating something rather than medicating it, but now I can see that I was "owning" my sin instead of laying it at the foot of the cross and walking away with a thankful FEARLESS heart and mind. 

Courtney

Willing To Be Intentional

Here is my motivation. I bet you'll think I'm about to give the "tithe" sermon. I assure you, I am not! 

Matthew 6:21 and Luke 12:34

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

The Bible repeats a lot. As I'm sitting in my son's floor asking him for the 100th time to please be still so we can get dressed for bed, I'm reminded of all of the biblical repetition and can't help but feel a bit silly. The constant repeating of instruction to my son is done in the hopes that at some point those things will soak in. 

This particular verse is on my mind this week for so many reasons. It all started when I began thinking again about my school plans for my little ones. I was reading a favorite blog of mine and the writer was discussing being intentional when dividing her time between her children. She has a few more than me. (Try 8 more than me.) It always amazes me how the simplest of ideas can really open a door to new thinking and understanding.

My mother and I were recently in a discussion about changes that people need to make in their own respective lives. We concluded what we've both known and most people also realize. Any one person will only do what THEY want to do in any one situation. If Suzy Q needs to forgive someone, she only will when she chooses to do it. If Jane Doe needs to lose weight, it's only going to happen when she decides. So my question is how does it come to that point? The point of choosing and wanting and moving forward. 

There have been things about me in my life that I have found myself begging God to change. I don't want to be lazy in any aspect of life. Okay God PLEASE make me more motivated. I want great relationships with people. Okay God help me invest the time. I want to do the best I can by my children in regards to their raising and education. Okay God send me someone who can teach me all about these things and somehow give me the ability to do it all. 

Praying is all well and good, and I believe it is the first thing one who is looking for a change should do as they approach it. What happens though, when said desired change doesn't happen? Was God's answer "no", or did we miss the boat somewhere? 

It hit me today that the answer may lie in this verse. Where my treasure is, there my heart will be also. Ever heard that saying: "Don't put all of your eggs into one basket."? I feel like it can be applied to this verse. I know there are people who don't seem to want to do anything well, but I also believe there are people who want to do everything well. I'm in the latter group, and I'm always baffled by women that I meet who seem to do it ALL well. I know they are not perfect and that their struggles come just like mine, but it seems they are sailing through things that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

I've decided to really search out my heart. To decide what my goals are in my faith and my position in life, and that the only way to do any of it willingly will be to place my treasure there. I'm only going to want to clean my home if I place a bit of my treasure in my husband's heart. I will want to care for his needs from me as his wife if he holds a bit of my treasure. I will place a bit of my treasure in my children. I'm only going to find the ability to care for them the way I feel called to if I manage to make it a treasure. I'm going to put a bit into my relationships, and I'm going to put all of the control of those things into God's hands to that ultimately all of my treasures will lead my heart to a closer relationship with him where I'm willingly allowing him to guide me in the goals that I have. 

No more crutches for this girl. I'm intentionally willing! Or at least willing to give it my best shot and pick myself up when I forget for a minute! 

Place your treasures carefully!

Courtney

Time to think about giving MORE!

Let me just start out by saying that I probably couldn't find more than one "friend" on my Facebook that is going to understand where I'm coming from.

It has been on me for a while. Maybe since before the birth of my first child. I feel like...wait for it....HOME SCHOOLING...gasp!!...might be right for our family. There are of course pros and cons, and I'm so very aware of both. Lets get the negatives out of the way first so we can move on to the positive and stay there. Hopefully. :) 

I watched a little video the other day on one of my fav. blogs: Storing Up Treasures ,  and I found myself relating with the "Home School Mom". Especially when the "normal mom" asks if "not normal mom" is worried her kids will be "different" and she replies, "I hope so". That is EXACTLY how I feel. I seriously hope that my children will make it through their lives and develop a sense of self that is Christ filled and not geared so much in the directions of peer pressuring.

I'm not completely patient. I was NOT a star student. I have "some" college, and I do not speak more than a few words of any foreign language. I'm not a teacher by trade, and I was not home schooled. Well not in the traditional sense anyway. From all of my time spent in the world and all of the experiences up until now, I do worry for my kids. I worry that my humanity will give in and I will fear that they will be "different". I HOPE that my faith will give way to trust that my kids will definitely be "different".

I saw a quote recently that I can't find anymore, but it said something like: "Never trust any one person, even family, about everything all of the time. Only trust God for everything all of the time." Even my family can accidentally, and especially in relation to my children and their needs, put their own desires or knowledge before that of the Lord when guiding me. 

I think we all know that the road less traveled, the one that is scary and full of mulligans is usually the one most worth while.

Okay so moving forward. I truly believe that raising my children is the single most important thing I am commissioned to do at this time in my and their lives. I truly desire for them to search out in their lives, ways that they can be the hands and feet of Christ. I want them to understand that they only get one chance to live life according to His plan and for His glory. I do feel repetitively called to home school my children. The part I am most confused about is where to begin. 

My children and I have developed an "un-routine". My son (3) does go to a Mother's Day Out program 2 days a week where they are working on letters and numbers, but mostly singing and social play. I don't necessarily feel like that is something I want to stop, but rather I'd like to try getting a structured, learning promoting schedule at home.I want them to feel like our home is a place where they can trust what they learn, and feel excited to grow in their book and life knowledge. What I don't want is for my son to get into school and find out about the birds and the bees in 1st grade like I did. I don't want him to be too distracted with the actions of others to figure out who he is. I don't want him to be misdiagnosed with a disorder because he is social.(me) I want him to be stimulated at his level so that he wants to do the work and learn instead of floating through.(older brother) I don't want him to be the nice and quiet kid who just wants to be treated kindly, but instead gets bullied constantly.(middle brother), and I don't want all of his potential for following God's plan for him to be side tracked by what ALL of his "friends" are doing. I don't want him to "need" a girlfriend to be cool, or to have to make a ball team to fit in. I certainly don't want him to fail at something and instead of trying harder...go with the kids who don't care.

Not all of my feelings are fear based, but for now I am not educated enough on all things home school. Time to begin some deep research and find some more friends who can be an encouragement.

I had a client who'd high school aged daughter was getting in with the wrong crowd. The woman pulled her daughter out of high school and quit her job to educate her at home and take up the responsibility that was hers. Her daughter's well being was more important than money or social acceptance. I am definitely that passionate about my job as a mother. 

Do you home educate? Have you ever considered it? Are you afraid you'll fail? Have you ever considered it only temporarily to form a solid foundation for your child that they can take with them to school when the time comes? Do you know anyone who was home schooled who wishes they were not. What about Christian Home Schooling? Does that make a difference on the level of success? (I think it does, but I'm asking you.)

Courtney

You are more...

I'm WAY behind on posting, but I've been a little preoccupied. I have a lot to say about my recent adventures and what I have learned and am very much still learning, but I have something on my heart that is coming up on a daily basis so I thought I would share that first.
 One of our favorite bands is Tenth Avenue North. They have a song titled "You Are More", and it goes as follows:


......She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

I bet you think you know where this is going. An invitation for all to understand how much God loves them. Well that is true, but not at all where I'm headed today. This song woke up a thought in me that paved the way for a new level of clarity on how I am to be performing as a Christian.
It is so beautiful that God does love us each individually that way and for that I am so thankful. What I struggle with is where Christ commissioned us to also love one another in that same way. My struggle is mostly with family. What? Someone has a hard time loving their family the right way? I'm sure I'm the ONLY one who has ever struggled in this arena. I would normally give the back story, but I fear that it would be counter productive to what I am trying to accomplish in my own heart.
The thing is though, that emotional mistrust causes very deep scars. Nobody I've ever met is above being hurt by their family. My problem is that I've been operating on the absolutely wrong system to overcome those feelings. I wanted apologies. I realize of course that asking for apologies creates more problems sometimes. It could start an argument or even worse, leave me feeling like it wasn't sincere and more mad than I was to start out. After I realized that approach wouldn't work I decided to just "pray it away". I'd ask God to take those feelings from my heart so I wouldn't have to face them. I want to love my family, and every one for that matter. Having just an ounce of hurt feelings following me around was a dangerous emotional wreck waiting for the slightest thing to tip it off the edge.

Here is where the song comes into play. It hit me listening to this song the other night that I was missing the big picture. God loves me so much and nothing I have ever done has stood in the way of that love. He doesn't keep record of my wrongs because he loves me. His heart for me is pure. What was I thinking? I needed an apology from someone I love dearly? Someone made mistakes and instead of having compassion on them I was having pity for myself. Look at what God has given me. To call him faithful is not even close to appropriate for the care he takes of me. In spite of all of the little areas where I thought my life could have been better depending on behaviors of those in it, God has blessed me beyond my dreams. (Yes I still believe that even though we are jobless and struggling to pretend happiness away from our favorite place on earth) All of the sudden this seems so crazy to me. I was hurt yes. Am I now? Sometimes still yes, but I am trying very hard to realize that the sum of past mistakes made to me is not more than the person that I love. Forgiveness doesn't depend on an apology and it isn't for the person who hurt me. Forgiveness is to purify my own heart so that I may love those who harm me better.
How many times have you told someone to leave the past in the past? We all say it, but who has perfected it? Not me, but I feel like I'm finally on the right track. I may have to post those words on my mirror or my dash board, and I may  need to throw out some old reminders, but learning to let it go through love is so much easier than just letting it go through solitary will power. On my own I'm just not that strong. That coming from a girl who likes to handle things.. is hard to realize and accept.

What should I do first?

I just read a quote from my Facebook feed that said: " We should never reduce prayer to, "Its the least we can do", or "All we can do is pray".
I'll admit I am so very guilty of both. More than that though I guess I'm guilty of speaking a common phrase without giving it much though thinking of it as a "you understood" type of comment, instead of thinking about how it sounds to others.
This really got me to thinking about how I came to say those things. If you know  me, then you know I'm an organizer. I like to know what is coming next so that I can be prepared and things can run somewhat smoothly. This character type has only increased since having children. Though I never viewed myself as someone who tries to tell God what to do or how to do it, I have realized that I very much limit how much I will "let" him do. This realization comes as a big disappointment to me because looking back now I can see all of the times when I prepared myself instead of letting him take the burdens away.
For instance, we have lost our job 2 times now. My initial instinct both times was to get prepared. I had a check list that I still have at the front of my mind that is something like this :
immediately search for a new job and apply
start calling anyone we know in the business
start being even more conservative with money
plan how and where we will live in the event that we don't find a job in our city/state
Sit back and wait and pray.

Can you see the problem? I even say to my husband, "lets do all we can and then all we have left that we can do is pray". I feel like I've been blind for 26 years. Blind and ignorant.
I know why I try to do all that I can. I'm just trying to protect myself and I think we all worry about what will become of us if we don't handle certain situations the minute they arise.

I heard a song recently that I can pinpoint to finally reaching the understand that I have no reason to worry and try to prepare for things. (I'm not saying I'm going to sit back and do nothing, but I certainly will be changing the order of attack) The song is by Kerrie Roberts called No Matter What. There is a line in the song that says "Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through your hands". It hit me immediately that my worry is all in vain. That not only does he know what is coming, but he knows that I will be fine. If I believe in his plans to prosper and not harm me then I know I will make it out better than before. Not only has he prepared the road, but he has come back for me to carry me across it unharmed. Even typing this that takes my breath.

From now on when I face a problem or an obstacle my very first plan will be to pray. It is the very most I can do for anything or anyone anytime. It is the very best way to search for answers and guidance. 
I hope that somehow this can provide comfort for someone else too. It has taken a weight off of me in a way I had not previously experienced ever in my life.

Is it really Tuesday?

Today does NOT feel like Tuesday to me. It feels like Monday. I'm tired with a headache, my daughter is cranky, and the rain outside isn't helping me feel motivated to get ready for our swimming playdate. ha. swimming. Of course it would rain on a swimming day. Instead it looks like cabin fever for me and mine. I am completely over extended over the next few weeks, and I'm still trying to figure out how to work it all through. Tuesdays are usually a day for clarity for me. Monday is crazy, but then I sleep and on Tuesday I feel refreshed and ready to take it all on. Not today. Today is my Monday, and as such I unfortunately have about five minutes to contribute to my blog. Here is what I'm thinking. I saw this on a friend's status today and I think it was meant for me:

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that you are a human being, not a human doing. Take time to just be, to breathe slowly, to feel your body that is the temple of your soul. No activities, no worries, no buzzing.

 

So I thought I'd change the mood of the day before it gets away from me. I plan to meditate on one of my favorite verses: 

 

Psalm 37:7  "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him,..."

 

My overbooked calender is just words on a page. When I look deeper I see that God is blessing me with the ability to provide a service for some children at our church which will no doubt end up enriching my life more than I expect it to. I can see that none of my commitments feel like burdens and that all of them measure up to a person choosing to use the time and energy given her, instead of sitting around and wasting life away.