"Life at the Collins' House" - A life in bottles.

My husband's new hobby is photography. I have to say I don't think he's too terrible at it. He daily amazes me with awesome photos of the most simple things. Today I'm focused on this one. The bottle parts.
Our day normally starts with the baby waking my husband between 5 and 7 for a bottle of milk. At 5a.m. nobody likes to be yanked out of sleep by a baby fussing for milk, but as I stare at the photo I am reminded to be thankful for the bottle. I'm thankful that my husband's job provides for her to have the best bottles around that are even made without dangerous chemicals. That she has more than one which means her mommy can spend just a bit more time with her in the day instead of constantly having to wash the same bottle. I'm thankful for the milk. We have an endless supply. There is never a time when we can't afford milk.
Today staring at this photo I'm reminded to give thanks, but also to be silent in prayer for those less fortunate than my daughter. For children with no milk, or clean bottles. I'm thankful for the time I have been given as a stay at home mother and the opportunity to have the extra 15 minutes to load up the dishwasher with bottles.
I plan to place this photo next to my sink and attempt to remember that those little bottles don't represent time lost, but gained, and that the energy spent is just spent giving my sweet girl life! Bottles never looked so good!!!!!

Willinly being a wife...and daughter?

I know so many couples who spent years together just dating. I know couples who had a lot of time to evaluate that the person they were to marry was exactly who God had planned for them.
I married my husband one year, one month, and one day after the first time I laid eyes on him. He did not have all of the requirements on my "Husband list". I did not meet every "good little wife" ideas that he had. He was a bit wilder than I with a slightly different relationship with God than I. I was a good girl who hated to clean, could bake but not cook, and didn't even own a car.
Somehow though, a one hour phone call led to a first date. He was a pilot and I a flight attendant. The thrill of being apart and missing one another was romantic and kept us both interested. Two weeks in we had a conversation something like: "I want to get married and start a family." "I do too!" A few I love you's and a puppy later we were married. We bought our first home and were on our way to babyville.
That was December 2006. Since then we lost one job, lost 2/3rds of a salary at another, moved 8 times, and had 2 children. One premature and needing time in the NICU.
I knew when I married my husband that we might move for work. I thought maybe a couple hours from home, or maybe just once. I had no way of knowing that my successful pilot would be the victim of a terrible economy in a country where the president would instruct business men to eliminate spending by not having planes.
The last 4 years have not always been easy. It wasn't easy to be expecting our first child and lose our job. It wasn't easy to move to Houston, TX 1000 miles away from all we had each ever known. It wasn't easy to lose a good amount of our belongings in a hurricane that hit our home that was miles and miles form the shore. It hasn't been easy for the two of us who started with a lovely savings account to watch it go away and understand what debt means.
All of that being said.. I married my husband willingly. I moved all 8 times with him willingly. I carried our beautiful children willingly. I have willingly albeit also necessarily prayed for job satisfaction and fulfillment for my husband.
I am seeing that doing something because you have no other option does NOT mean you are willing. I did not go back to TX for the second time willingly. I don't even want to think about how I might find willingness were I made to leave SC.
God has provided a most beautiful opportunity to bloom here and being that I am so happy I feel a slight fear of the unknown. A fear of job loss and need to move. Its just the nature of the business.
I'm seeing that God has blessed me greatly in my willingness to be a good wife. To follow where my husband leads. The part I have to come to terms with, to lay down before God, is learning how to willingly trust in his plan for my life. To willingly be at peace in every moment and embrace all of the ebb and flow of my husband's job with a most thankful heart for his ability to provide. To be willing to lead my children no matter where life takes us, and to bloom where we are planted and thank God in this moment instead of fearing the next.
I'm overly willing to be a faithful wife. Its the hopeful, trusting daughter part that I need to focus on.

green beans, ants, and a mommy on the edge!

Alone time. Where is mine? Do we get a certain allotment or is it only given after exemplary behavior? I have spent two nights without children in 32 months. I wasn't with my husband and I slept only for 2 hours in my best friend's bed and 2 hours in a hotel room. (I know how that sounds, but I was ALONE, and driving back from Nashville I got too tired. )

As I look around at the disheveled mess that was my clean house just two short days ago I am exhausted. There are green beans and carrots deep down in the lining of the high chair which means stripping it and washing ALL of it. There were ants in our kitchen yesterday because my two year old son REFUSES to sit down at his little table for any period exceeding thirty seconds. Naturally he is still hungry every time he gets up so the food goes straight into the living room. Its a huge no no, but its only a 2 foot walk so by the time I see him he's already lounging on the couch with a fist full of goldfish, fingers glowing in all of their yellow cheese powder glory.
Every time there is a fit the milk cup goes flying and though it is seriously the most leak proof cup I have ever encountered ( Nalgene Tritan Grip n Gulp. Can be found at Dick's sporting goods and Target stores in the exercise/camping section) there is still somehow a bit of "milk spit" in the hard top nipple that goes flying. Not enough to make a real mess, but just enough to drive one woman crazy.

I'm so proud of how well my children get along. They truly do play well together until they don't, and growing up with three brothers I know that sometimes they won't. The green monster is starting to rear his ugly head in my beautiful little boy. Abram now wants only to be a "baby". He no longer wants to potty train. He wants to eat baby food puffs, and he pushes,knocks down, snatches toys from his sister every chance he gets.
Terrible two's are in full force and "NO" is the first word to EVERY question. "Do you need to potty?" "NO!!" "Do you want a pb&j?" "NO!!" "Will you ever say anything besides NO?" "NO!"

I now grasp fully why "Super Nanny" exists. Its days like today when a woman's husband is at work, her kids rise early, the house gets trashed, and she's too tired to deal. Now I find myself more often than breaths I'm taking, saying "NO" to everything. No screaming, no jumping on the couch, no tackling me just because I sat on the floor for a minute, NO playing in the potty. Etc. NO. Etc.

Today I will "willingly" put both of my children down for a nap at the same time. (They do this most days, but day it is mandatory). I will force myself to set a strict time line and clean up their gigantic mess, change out the laundry (most likely after rewashing the things that got left in there for the last 24 hours), SHOWER, and prepare myself for the last 4 hours of the day with them. My son will sleep in his own bed tonight and at 9p.m. I WILL get my alone time. Even if I only last for 30 mins.

Things that Matter. Things that don't. Everything in between.

I am going to start evaluating 3 things. Each of which are listed in the title. I'll begin with what is weighing on me most heavily today.

I've really been thinking a lot lately on where we are as the Collins four. How are our kids developing? How are we doing as parents?  I find myself focusing a lot on Abram. Evelyn is happy and other than the allergies from the newly found congested air of the Low Country she is healthy.

Abram is so smart. He was ahead of his classmates all year from what I gathered at my parent teacher meeting. Not socially of course because this was really his first time since birth to be in a regular social environment. He had to work hard and still does on sharing.
He sleeps in his own bed, and for the most part eats okay foods. He loves candies and baked goods, but he likes fruits and takes his vitamin. We don't have any problems behaviorally. This kid takes himself to time out when asked to do so. I know I let myself get exhausted with him at times, but seriously he is a GREAT kid. This is not to toot my own horn, because I'm still very much a beginner mom. In finding himself and developing his own unique personality I am super pleased to see that he truly is and desires to be sweet and kind. He is wonderful with Evelyn and cares for her emotional needs often.

Why then do I feel that something is missing? Like I'm working hard on developing things I've read are "good for him developmentally", but I'm somehow missing a bigger picture.

It started about 6 moths ago when we moved here. I began to feel an overwhelming urge to spend more cuddle time with both of my kids, but Abram in particular as I always hold Evelyn already. I started to question if there might be a time when co-sleeping with Abram might be beneficial for him in his need to have his "Love Languages" met. If I am in my room aching to hold him, how does he feel in his bed after hearing me say "no son you need to sleep in your own bed."?
Am I missing out on something wonderful that I only have a precious few years to share with my son? I'm not saying I want to move him into our bedroom, but maybe implement Saturday night slumber parties.

So far I am pondering several things that could fall in question as to whether they matter or not. I plan to pray on each subject until I feel let in any one direction on each particular matter. So far though I'm feeling that forcing my child to sleep in his own bed every single night of his so that he develops into a  well rounded secure adult isn't going to make much difference. He has already learned the skill. He is confident in his room. One night a week should be the thing that matters and not what may or may not happen in the extremely distant future. The simplest fact is that I deeply love my son. I want him to  KNOW that!

My how the time does fly. Especially when you don't have time to blog.

Nine days later here I am. It is the first time that I have had true free time.

In the past nine days I have been to/done the following:

picked up the class guinea pig for a four day stay at our house
potty trained my toddler (This includes cleaning up TONS of messes. Even "duce-a-rooski" on my carpet)
been to the pediatrician and the emergency room
provided snacks for the preschool class
cleaned up more duce-a-rooski

I am exhausted. I can't imagine if I had kept a tab on how many times i "accidentally" raised my voice, but I can say it is less and less each day. Its amazing how actively pursuing a lifestyle change can happen through simple repetition. Or maybe its easier because I call my husband out when he raises his voice, so my natural competitive nature won't let me yell because I have to WIN! lol

I have seen positive changes in both myself, my marriage, and my relationship with my children in the past weeks. Abram seems to be more willing to please and obey the rules. Evelyn is her normal amazing self, but is taking a bottle now for the first time and seeming to love it. She is sleeping which must mean she is more secure feeling.

God has blessed me with the sunshine which is greatly helping me reduce the amount of television I watch.

I'm still not doing that great with the willingness to get up when I'm tired, but then again I knew it would be the doozy. One thing or another is bound to happen. Either I will learn or she will sleep. Sometimes I'd love to see God's playbook, but where is the fun in that, right?

I can say that the change in my willing attitude has seemingly made my husband much less worried about what I'm doing. There are dishes out today, but he hasn't seemed to notice. There is laundry, but its out of sight in the basket, and he hasn't mentioned it. We're enjoying things as a family. I guess I am a more integral part of our happiness as a family than I realized. Daddy brings home the bacon, but it only nourishes the body if momma cooks it. Is that a gem or what? I bet I could sell that on a poster in Pigeon Creek, Alabama. (If you're lost on Pigeon Creek *Can't ride two horses with one *** sugar bean* probably won't mean a thing to you.) Is it okay if I use stars instead of the curse since I can't say the curse? Makes me think of Walk the Line when Jerry Lee is talking about the forbidden fruit... "He said don't touch it. Don't think about touching it. Don't sing about thinkin' about touchin' it. Don't TOUCH IT." How will I ever get curse words out of my head when they are embedded in my very favorite all time movie lines??

I'm rambling. I know. All in all a fantastic week on the Lent front at my house. Funny that I fell off the blog wagon right after I posted about not falling off!

Nothing like cleaning when you're angry after zero sleep!

For reasons I won't name I was angry this morning. My tolerance bucket was down to nothing and my husband kicked it over. I think if one can find a silver lining on a bad start, then it sort of trumps the bad. Am I right?

So I cleaned.

I did laundry including putting away kids clothes and even going through and ridding the closets of things that are too small. I straightened every room in the house. It was productive. The anger gave me the energy to get my rear in gear and eliminate some of the stress lingering in the house. All of which was done "willingly" but not so much with a gracious heart. Dinner however, was completely out of love. It may not have been the best gourmet meal in town, but I also cleaned up the mess so hopefully that added to the way it digested for my husband.

I need to take a step back to last night before I go. It was terrible. Evelyn was up about 8 times from the time we laid her down. My heart wasn't in it at all. I have figured out that the giving in the night time will be my greatest obstacle. Tonight before I go to sleep I will pray for mercy. I will pray not only that I learn to give willingly through Evelyn's long nights, but that God will give me the peace and the desire to do it instead of me trying to find the patience on my own. I'm a human woman who loves her sleep. I'd never be able to do it on my own.

I think my Lent will extend past Easter. It might take me more than 40 days and nights to get this "willing" thing down.

I'm not a fan of trying something for a few days only to quit cold turkey!

I almost didn't post tonight. Today was completely uneventful. Evelyn's teeth were killing her so she was fussy per the norm over the last few days, but other than that today was calm. We woke, we napped, and put the kids to bed. In between we had meals, and played a lot.

I decided to post simply because I feared that if I missed today I'd miss tomorrow. That isn't quite what I had in mind for this blog. Also I think it would represent a certain level if disrespect for what I'm trying to accomplish. I am not working on denying myself willingly for myself. I'm doing it out of adoration and respect for Jesus Christ and what his sacrifice means in my life and my future. I can't imagine what this world would be if God had hung in there with us for a few days and then became complacent.

Since today was a good effort on my Lent, I'll just close my evening with a word of thanksgiving. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be alive, to share this life with my husband and our beautiful kids, and to have the chance to attempt to do all of this in a way that might be pleasing to the Lord. I'm thankful that as the challenges of this coming week expose my weaknesses, I can find comfort in knowing that I am already forgiven for my failures.