I'm WAY behind on posting, but I've been a little preoccupied. I have a lot to say about my recent adventures and what I have learned and am very much still learning, but I have something on my heart that is coming up on a daily basis so I thought I would share that first.
One of our favorite bands is Tenth Avenue North. They have a song titled "You Are More", and it goes as follows:
......She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
I bet you think you know where this is going. An invitation for all to understand how much God loves them. Well that is true, but not at all where I'm headed today. This song woke up a thought in me that paved the way for a new level of clarity on how I am to be performing as a Christian.
It is so beautiful that God does love us each individually that way and for that I am so thankful. What I struggle with is where Christ commissioned us to also love one another in that same way. My struggle is mostly with family. What? Someone has a hard time loving their family the right way? I'm sure I'm the ONLY one who has ever struggled in this arena. I would normally give the back story, but I fear that it would be counter productive to what I am trying to accomplish in my own heart.
The thing is though, that emotional mistrust causes very deep scars. Nobody I've ever met is above being hurt by their family. My problem is that I've been operating on the absolutely wrong system to overcome those feelings. I wanted apologies. I realize of course that asking for apologies creates more problems sometimes. It could start an argument or even worse, leave me feeling like it wasn't sincere and more mad than I was to start out. After I realized that approach wouldn't work I decided to just "pray it away". I'd ask God to take those feelings from my heart so I wouldn't have to face them. I want to love my family, and every one for that matter. Having just an ounce of hurt feelings following me around was a dangerous emotional wreck waiting for the slightest thing to tip it off the edge.
Here is where the song comes into play. It hit me listening to this song the other night that I was missing the big picture. God loves me so much and nothing I have ever done has stood in the way of that love. He doesn't keep record of my wrongs because he loves me. His heart for me is pure. What was I thinking? I needed an apology from someone I love dearly? Someone made mistakes and instead of having compassion on them I was having pity for myself. Look at what God has given me. To call him faithful is not even close to appropriate for the care he takes of me. In spite of all of the little areas where I thought my life could have been better depending on behaviors of those in it, God has blessed me beyond my dreams. (Yes I still believe that even though we are jobless and struggling to pretend happiness away from our favorite place on earth) All of the sudden this seems so crazy to me. I was hurt yes. Am I now? Sometimes still yes, but I am trying very hard to realize that the sum of past mistakes made to me is not more than the person that I love. Forgiveness doesn't depend on an apology and it isn't for the person who hurt me. Forgiveness is to purify my own heart so that I may love those who harm me better.
How many times have you told someone to leave the past in the past? We all say it, but who has perfected it? Not me, but I feel like I'm finally on the right track. I may have to post those words on my mirror or my dash board, and I may need to throw out some old reminders, but learning to let it go through love is so much easier than just letting it go through solitary will power. On my own I'm just not that strong. That coming from a girl who likes to handle things.. is hard to realize and accept.
