For reasons I won't name I was angry this morning. My tolerance bucket was down to nothing and my husband kicked it over. I think if one can find a silver lining on a bad start, then it sort of trumps the bad. Am I right?
So I cleaned.
I did laundry including putting away kids clothes and even going through and ridding the closets of things that are too small. I straightened every room in the house. It was productive. The anger gave me the energy to get my rear in gear and eliminate some of the stress lingering in the house. All of which was done "willingly" but not so much with a gracious heart. Dinner however, was completely out of love. It may not have been the best gourmet meal in town, but I also cleaned up the mess so hopefully that added to the way it digested for my husband.
I need to take a step back to last night before I go. It was terrible. Evelyn was up about 8 times from the time we laid her down. My heart wasn't in it at all. I have figured out that the giving in the night time will be my greatest obstacle. Tonight before I go to sleep I will pray for mercy. I will pray not only that I learn to give willingly through Evelyn's long nights, but that God will give me the peace and the desire to do it instead of me trying to find the patience on my own. I'm a human woman who loves her sleep. I'd never be able to do it on my own.
I think my Lent will extend past Easter. It might take me more than 40 days and nights to get this "willing" thing down.
Keep it up Courtney, you're doing a great job. I like following the blog, cause even though we don't have the same amount of kids or even the same ages, I still feel right there with ya!! Miss you so much and can't wait til we get some time to come visit! It is motivating to hear about the struggles of having a willing heart at 1, 2, 3, or even 4 in the morning especially when you gotta get up and go to work in the morning. Anyway hang in there!!
ReplyDelete