Is it really Tuesday?

Today does NOT feel like Tuesday to me. It feels like Monday. I'm tired with a headache, my daughter is cranky, and the rain outside isn't helping me feel motivated to get ready for our swimming playdate. ha. swimming. Of course it would rain on a swimming day. Instead it looks like cabin fever for me and mine. I am completely over extended over the next few weeks, and I'm still trying to figure out how to work it all through. Tuesdays are usually a day for clarity for me. Monday is crazy, but then I sleep and on Tuesday I feel refreshed and ready to take it all on. Not today. Today is my Monday, and as such I unfortunately have about five minutes to contribute to my blog. Here is what I'm thinking. I saw this on a friend's status today and I think it was meant for me:

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that you are a human being, not a human doing. Take time to just be, to breathe slowly, to feel your body that is the temple of your soul. No activities, no worries, no buzzing.

 

So I thought I'd change the mood of the day before it gets away from me. I plan to meditate on one of my favorite verses: 

 

Psalm 37:7  "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him,..."

 

My overbooked calender is just words on a page. When I look deeper I see that God is blessing me with the ability to provide a service for some children at our church which will no doubt end up enriching my life more than I expect it to. I can see that none of my commitments feel like burdens and that all of them measure up to a person choosing to use the time and energy given her, instead of sitting around and wasting life away.

 

Saturday is for daydreams.

I have been exploring the idea of having designated days for organizing the themes that I tend to cover this blog. I've seen so many cute ones with titles like: "Not Me Monday" where the blogger discusses all of the things that she may have done better given more time to evaluate the situation, but puts a silly twist on it by refusing to own it while fessing up at the same time. Another is "Works for me Wednesday" where my friend Courtney discusses something she uses in her home and/or life in general that allows her to function more efficiently time, financial, and energy wise.

Last night I saw the new Julia Robers move Eat, Pray, Love. The details of the movie really hit home with me and opened up some doors that I had maybe closed out of guilt, but I'll touch on that on another day. One thing the movie did was reignite my desire to fully enjoy some of the wonderful simple blessings God has placed on this earth. I love to travel and see not only nature at its purest form, but I love to see gorgeous architecture. That could greatly explain my love affair with downtown Charleston. From the stone street every single inch of decorative molding that wraps the sitting porches, Charleston is absolutely a sight to behold.

This brings me to my first themed day of the week. "Simply Daydreaming Saturday". Every Saturday I will post a dream I have. A place I would like to visit or explore. Hopefully as my precious little children grow I will be able to make some if not all of those travel daydreams a reality. It will not be limited to travel as I will try to just explore all of the things I want to experience out of this one shot at the gift of life.

After seeing the movie I would LOVE to talk about Rome today, but I have a much closer dream that I'm going to try to experience.


I am always admiring runners. The simple ease of the casual looking stride they have as they pass me all the while getting healthier and using their physical bodies for something God built them to be able to do. I however run like a flat footed two ton gorilla.
My plan of attack is as follows: I am trying to walk 3.5 miles briskly at least 3 morning as week. I am getting up at 5:45 a.m. to do so and those of you who know me will know that is a big leap in and of itself. I have signed myself up on www.mapmyfitness.com and linked it to my facebook so I can track my progress. It is a great site that is simple to use. It allowed me to map out the route I walk in my neighborhood and gives me the distance, the calories I burn(for those of you looking to keep track of such things ;)), and the time I've spent exercising. I have also enlisted the help of a walking buddy to hold me accountable so I don't just turn off my alarm clock. Coincidentally my walking buddy is my children's pediatrician so I really can't just no show her. ha.

I am going to sign myself up to run in the race for the cure, ( http://www.komenlowcountry.org/)and even if I walk a bit, I am committed to doing it. I've decided this week that even if I cross the finish line last and lose my breakfast I'm doing it, and after that I'm going to keep going further. I dream of having a healthy fit body that actually IS fit instead of just looking it.

Simply Daydreaming Saturday #1 - become a runner. Run races. Use the healthy body I've been given! Wish me luck!

Sometimes a girl just needs a really great girlfriend!

Proverbs17:17 NIV
"A friend loves at all times,..."

Let me start off by addressing the word "need". I think most of us try to evaluate needs based on what we "think" God would accept as a true need. Food, water, shelter, and so on. The truth of the matter is though that God created us so intricately that he has placed in us needs for several different levels of fellowship to fully flourish as Christians. Fellowship goes beyond just being a good person. It is deeper than just doing something nice for someone as it involves really practicing "Christlike love". It enables us to make habit of being held accountable, and holding others accountable to his desires for our lives and how we interact with not only our "friends", but the human race in general. 

Le me just say that my husband is a wonderful companion. He is the kind of partner that doesn't use the word "partner". Most often he just gives with no intention of receiving, and tries his best to help me in every life situation even when as a man he just can't understand why certain things get under my skin. He loves me unconditionally which is so beautiful, but has one minor flaw. It makes my ability to bring him down and steer him away from the right things a bit easier. When I'm down I can bring him down with me because he loves me. When I'm up I can pull him up because he loves me. My opinions hold weight on his as his also do for mine. We do our best to hold one another accountable, and motivate in the right ways, but sometimes we fail. This is especially true when we argue. We don't always see things from one another's perspective, and that is where the need for a friend comes in. 

I need a friend. A girl friend. I need a Christian, Christlike, Girl friend. Someone who can see me with understanding and appreciation of our differences. Someone who can listen and offer wisdom without judgment. Someone who can feel comfortable offering perspective when things aren't great with my husband and I. Someone who can help me rise above silly issues in life and offer a shoulder when it hurts anyway even if it is silly. I need someone who values their relationship with God and has a desire to grow. I need someone who values my marriage and wants to see me happy. I know they say misery loves company, and I do NOT need a miserable friend. 


I struggle with finding this type of person for a few reasons. The first one is loyalty. I'm a southern girl raised in a relatively small area, and its the kind of place where friends stay friends. It is so hard to admit that one of my "friends" might be a great person, and even a good Christian, but just isn't motivational and uplifting for me. It is hard to discern the lines between acquaintances and friends. 


I also struggle with the "she's cool" factor. Sometimes I can meet someone who is just really funny, or entertaining, and I know that they are not walking in the same direction as I, but for some reason I just think they are cool. Generally this does not end well. 


Lastly I find that I struggle sometimes with people wanting to take a lot of my time. The goal I have for myself and the division of my time is God, Brad, our kids, and then everyone else. I believe that I should be dating Brad more often than my friends, and that my children's needs for structure are more important that hanging every day with a friend for my own socialization needs. 


When I moved to TX I really began to evaluate the women that I met and our potential to grow together in friendship. It began with eliminating some old life long friends that really broke my heart by not understanding that my husband's job came before my selfish desire to stay in TN. It makes it easy to distance yourself from someone who clearly has a selfish position in the friendship. 
Next I spent time listening to the women I was meeting and tried to steer clear from those interested in mean spirited gossip. I know talking is going to happen. We are women and that is what we do, but ironically it was watching the Duggars on TLC that really made me see that discussing someone else should really be done in an  encouraging manor even when it seems that something really unpleasant is going on. I realized that I never ever want to be responsible for making another person feel badly about themselves. I hate when that happens to me, and I just want no part of it. 
Now I am letting go of the "cool" factor. I am more concerned with what I can offer someone rather than what they have to offer me. I made a deal with myself to never take part in a lie. That was much much easier than I first thought, and never to share my displeasure with a friend with any other friend. Yes Brad and my momma get an ear full from time to time, but nonetheless I don't take the dirty laundry to the public wash so to speak. 


I think that it is not unreasonable to seek such friends. I was just reading someone's facebook post the other day where the person was baffled by the fact that most people find their spouse in their early to mid twenties. Is it so strange to also make it a priority to find in our early adulthood good life long friends. Is it so terrible to evaluate friends you made in elementary school and finally accept that their ability to bring you down is greater than your ability to bring them up and create a little distance to protect yourself from mistakes. 


Just something to think about. Maybe now that I have some true blues... I'll discuss it with my friends! ;)

If you really knew me... forget what you knew.

Jer 29:11 (NIV)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


Over the past five years and three months the only certain things in my life were my faith, and my children. Let me just say that I dearly love my husband, and we are a happily married couple. From the outside looking in I think most would argue that we have always been happy. Anyone who lives in reality and is married knows however, that it isn't always the case in a marriage for two people to constantly be happy and feel secure.

MTV has a show now where high school students play a game called "If you really knew me you'd know that...". Here is my version.

If you really knew me you'd know that I am a taker. I give yes, but in my marriage I am a taker. My love language is not just one but all five. I love gifts from my husband that let me know he is thinking of me, and I love acts of service. Words of affirmation are something I crave as well, though I clearly know what that stems from. The point is that he is a giver of these things. Albeit not always willingly and with a happy heart, but a giver just the same.
If you really knew me you'd know that 12 months ago my life was forever changed. I have been a "Christian" my entire life and have had times where the strength of the spirit was a fire in me more powerful than any temptation or fear. At times though I have fallen victim to myself and the world and even in my adult life felt the need to stand on neutral ground so that I wouldn't be seen as offensive. Twelve months ago my daughter was born premature and I began to wonder exactly what the driving force in my life was. Even with the birth of my son I had a strong pull to be an example in his life, but it wasn't until my daughter was almost due that I realized that I was a leader wasting a gift. A supporter taking support but not giving it at my full potential at all, and a believer acting as though the power of what I believe is as normal and every day as eating breakfast.
If you really knew me you'd know that a realist would say my husband should have his eye on other jobs right now because in all reality his boss does not currently own a plane. I should be afraid about money, and I should be terrified at the thought of losing some of the best friends I have ever had in my life.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a "tell it like it is" kind of gal and sometimes even when the way it is isn't pleasant. You'd know that I've been known to hear constructive criticism and hide behind words like "Well this is how God made me. Sorry".
If you really knew me you'd know I am so so attached to my parents and that I am so insecure I can't even stand to hear that they are having a fun time with my brothers without me. You'd know that it is even worse when they say something about my sister in law relating to her being fun to be around and I feel like it is some sort of comparison to me and I feel threatened.

Here is where this all changes. I'm going to change the game just a bit.

If you know me now I want you to know that I am no longer the person I just described.

Pulling into South Carolina last October I felt a peace and calm I can't begin to explain. I knew this was where God wanted us to be. Everything fell right into place. Our home, church, friends, job. It was all right. It IS all right. Like I said before I might have plenty of reasons to be afraid today, but I know a couple things for very certain,
The first thing is that the Collins family was planted here for a reason. Not by mistake. Not by our choosing, but by our honest broken desperation and seeking the Lord's plan for a job for us. Charleston was nowhere on our radar and this job literally fell into our lap. Now with no plane to fly, though we still have a job, I am NOT afraid. I see it as a blessing. My husband had an amazing gift of being home very single day with his family. Challenging yes, but worth it... OH YES!! Our children can't even comprehend the gift that they have that other children won't know.
 Second is that his plans for me here don't stop today, or even this month. I felt a strong urge to get involved with the children's ministry at our church, but never asked anyone. VBS fell into my lap out of a need for a Rec. leader, and now I am committed to a bible study for the fall with young kids. I had no guidance for a curriculum, but after some prayer I have a plan that I not only want to share with the kids, but that I will be blogging about as it feels powerful to me. I am constantly making new solid foundation friendships and starting to mold my spiritual gifts.
I am learning to be a giver. I am learning the true meanings of Love and not in the romantic sense. In the Christ sense. I can honestly say that my feelings if insecurity when it comes to my family are gone. I have a strong desire to have a wonderful relationship with my sister to be, and I can't wait to welcome her into our family. I am learning that "the way God made me" is not final at twenty six! I am a growing and changing work, and my flaws are not set in stone. I will grow and I will learn. I will become the type of giver that I am to my children for my husband. I'm not someone who hates doing dishes. I'm just someone who hasn't perfect the art yet. HA. I am not a neutral Christian. I am most of all not fearful for my future. I am hopeful, and thankful to be given this clarity at 26 and the opportunity to grow and learn now while my kids are so young so that they may see a Christian example through me. I am going to be an accepting person who loves people, but does not embrace sin no matter who is involved and no matter how much I love them.

I am God's and he is changing me. I am blooming here in SC and ready to see just how beautiful the life he has for me will be. The friendships he is giving me are those of fellowship, accountability, and growth, and keeping me secure in my belief that this is the city he has planned for me.