If you really knew me... forget what you knew.

Jer 29:11 (NIV)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


Over the past five years and three months the only certain things in my life were my faith, and my children. Let me just say that I dearly love my husband, and we are a happily married couple. From the outside looking in I think most would argue that we have always been happy. Anyone who lives in reality and is married knows however, that it isn't always the case in a marriage for two people to constantly be happy and feel secure.

MTV has a show now where high school students play a game called "If you really knew me you'd know that...". Here is my version.

If you really knew me you'd know that I am a taker. I give yes, but in my marriage I am a taker. My love language is not just one but all five. I love gifts from my husband that let me know he is thinking of me, and I love acts of service. Words of affirmation are something I crave as well, though I clearly know what that stems from. The point is that he is a giver of these things. Albeit not always willingly and with a happy heart, but a giver just the same.
If you really knew me you'd know that 12 months ago my life was forever changed. I have been a "Christian" my entire life and have had times where the strength of the spirit was a fire in me more powerful than any temptation or fear. At times though I have fallen victim to myself and the world and even in my adult life felt the need to stand on neutral ground so that I wouldn't be seen as offensive. Twelve months ago my daughter was born premature and I began to wonder exactly what the driving force in my life was. Even with the birth of my son I had a strong pull to be an example in his life, but it wasn't until my daughter was almost due that I realized that I was a leader wasting a gift. A supporter taking support but not giving it at my full potential at all, and a believer acting as though the power of what I believe is as normal and every day as eating breakfast.
If you really knew me you'd know that a realist would say my husband should have his eye on other jobs right now because in all reality his boss does not currently own a plane. I should be afraid about money, and I should be terrified at the thought of losing some of the best friends I have ever had in my life.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a "tell it like it is" kind of gal and sometimes even when the way it is isn't pleasant. You'd know that I've been known to hear constructive criticism and hide behind words like "Well this is how God made me. Sorry".
If you really knew me you'd know I am so so attached to my parents and that I am so insecure I can't even stand to hear that they are having a fun time with my brothers without me. You'd know that it is even worse when they say something about my sister in law relating to her being fun to be around and I feel like it is some sort of comparison to me and I feel threatened.

Here is where this all changes. I'm going to change the game just a bit.

If you know me now I want you to know that I am no longer the person I just described.

Pulling into South Carolina last October I felt a peace and calm I can't begin to explain. I knew this was where God wanted us to be. Everything fell right into place. Our home, church, friends, job. It was all right. It IS all right. Like I said before I might have plenty of reasons to be afraid today, but I know a couple things for very certain,
The first thing is that the Collins family was planted here for a reason. Not by mistake. Not by our choosing, but by our honest broken desperation and seeking the Lord's plan for a job for us. Charleston was nowhere on our radar and this job literally fell into our lap. Now with no plane to fly, though we still have a job, I am NOT afraid. I see it as a blessing. My husband had an amazing gift of being home very single day with his family. Challenging yes, but worth it... OH YES!! Our children can't even comprehend the gift that they have that other children won't know.
 Second is that his plans for me here don't stop today, or even this month. I felt a strong urge to get involved with the children's ministry at our church, but never asked anyone. VBS fell into my lap out of a need for a Rec. leader, and now I am committed to a bible study for the fall with young kids. I had no guidance for a curriculum, but after some prayer I have a plan that I not only want to share with the kids, but that I will be blogging about as it feels powerful to me. I am constantly making new solid foundation friendships and starting to mold my spiritual gifts.
I am learning to be a giver. I am learning the true meanings of Love and not in the romantic sense. In the Christ sense. I can honestly say that my feelings if insecurity when it comes to my family are gone. I have a strong desire to have a wonderful relationship with my sister to be, and I can't wait to welcome her into our family. I am learning that "the way God made me" is not final at twenty six! I am a growing and changing work, and my flaws are not set in stone. I will grow and I will learn. I will become the type of giver that I am to my children for my husband. I'm not someone who hates doing dishes. I'm just someone who hasn't perfect the art yet. HA. I am not a neutral Christian. I am most of all not fearful for my future. I am hopeful, and thankful to be given this clarity at 26 and the opportunity to grow and learn now while my kids are so young so that they may see a Christian example through me. I am going to be an accepting person who loves people, but does not embrace sin no matter who is involved and no matter how much I love them.

I am God's and he is changing me. I am blooming here in SC and ready to see just how beautiful the life he has for me will be. The friendships he is giving me are those of fellowship, accountability, and growth, and keeping me secure in my belief that this is the city he has planned for me.