What should I do first?

I just read a quote from my Facebook feed that said: " We should never reduce prayer to, "Its the least we can do", or "All we can do is pray".
I'll admit I am so very guilty of both. More than that though I guess I'm guilty of speaking a common phrase without giving it much though thinking of it as a "you understood" type of comment, instead of thinking about how it sounds to others.
This really got me to thinking about how I came to say those things. If you know  me, then you know I'm an organizer. I like to know what is coming next so that I can be prepared and things can run somewhat smoothly. This character type has only increased since having children. Though I never viewed myself as someone who tries to tell God what to do or how to do it, I have realized that I very much limit how much I will "let" him do. This realization comes as a big disappointment to me because looking back now I can see all of the times when I prepared myself instead of letting him take the burdens away.
For instance, we have lost our job 2 times now. My initial instinct both times was to get prepared. I had a check list that I still have at the front of my mind that is something like this :
immediately search for a new job and apply
start calling anyone we know in the business
start being even more conservative with money
plan how and where we will live in the event that we don't find a job in our city/state
Sit back and wait and pray.

Can you see the problem? I even say to my husband, "lets do all we can and then all we have left that we can do is pray". I feel like I've been blind for 26 years. Blind and ignorant.
I know why I try to do all that I can. I'm just trying to protect myself and I think we all worry about what will become of us if we don't handle certain situations the minute they arise.

I heard a song recently that I can pinpoint to finally reaching the understand that I have no reason to worry and try to prepare for things. (I'm not saying I'm going to sit back and do nothing, but I certainly will be changing the order of attack) The song is by Kerrie Roberts called No Matter What. There is a line in the song that says "Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through your hands". It hit me immediately that my worry is all in vain. That not only does he know what is coming, but he knows that I will be fine. If I believe in his plans to prosper and not harm me then I know I will make it out better than before. Not only has he prepared the road, but he has come back for me to carry me across it unharmed. Even typing this that takes my breath.

From now on when I face a problem or an obstacle my very first plan will be to pray. It is the very most I can do for anything or anyone anytime. It is the very best way to search for answers and guidance. 
I hope that somehow this can provide comfort for someone else too. It has taken a weight off of me in a way I had not previously experienced ever in my life.

Is it really Tuesday?

Today does NOT feel like Tuesday to me. It feels like Monday. I'm tired with a headache, my daughter is cranky, and the rain outside isn't helping me feel motivated to get ready for our swimming playdate. ha. swimming. Of course it would rain on a swimming day. Instead it looks like cabin fever for me and mine. I am completely over extended over the next few weeks, and I'm still trying to figure out how to work it all through. Tuesdays are usually a day for clarity for me. Monday is crazy, but then I sleep and on Tuesday I feel refreshed and ready to take it all on. Not today. Today is my Monday, and as such I unfortunately have about five minutes to contribute to my blog. Here is what I'm thinking. I saw this on a friend's status today and I think it was meant for me:

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that you are a human being, not a human doing. Take time to just be, to breathe slowly, to feel your body that is the temple of your soul. No activities, no worries, no buzzing.

 

So I thought I'd change the mood of the day before it gets away from me. I plan to meditate on one of my favorite verses: 

 

Psalm 37:7  "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him,..."

 

My overbooked calender is just words on a page. When I look deeper I see that God is blessing me with the ability to provide a service for some children at our church which will no doubt end up enriching my life more than I expect it to. I can see that none of my commitments feel like burdens and that all of them measure up to a person choosing to use the time and energy given her, instead of sitting around and wasting life away.

 

Saturday is for daydreams.

I have been exploring the idea of having designated days for organizing the themes that I tend to cover this blog. I've seen so many cute ones with titles like: "Not Me Monday" where the blogger discusses all of the things that she may have done better given more time to evaluate the situation, but puts a silly twist on it by refusing to own it while fessing up at the same time. Another is "Works for me Wednesday" where my friend Courtney discusses something she uses in her home and/or life in general that allows her to function more efficiently time, financial, and energy wise.

Last night I saw the new Julia Robers move Eat, Pray, Love. The details of the movie really hit home with me and opened up some doors that I had maybe closed out of guilt, but I'll touch on that on another day. One thing the movie did was reignite my desire to fully enjoy some of the wonderful simple blessings God has placed on this earth. I love to travel and see not only nature at its purest form, but I love to see gorgeous architecture. That could greatly explain my love affair with downtown Charleston. From the stone street every single inch of decorative molding that wraps the sitting porches, Charleston is absolutely a sight to behold.

This brings me to my first themed day of the week. "Simply Daydreaming Saturday". Every Saturday I will post a dream I have. A place I would like to visit or explore. Hopefully as my precious little children grow I will be able to make some if not all of those travel daydreams a reality. It will not be limited to travel as I will try to just explore all of the things I want to experience out of this one shot at the gift of life.

After seeing the movie I would LOVE to talk about Rome today, but I have a much closer dream that I'm going to try to experience.


I am always admiring runners. The simple ease of the casual looking stride they have as they pass me all the while getting healthier and using their physical bodies for something God built them to be able to do. I however run like a flat footed two ton gorilla.
My plan of attack is as follows: I am trying to walk 3.5 miles briskly at least 3 morning as week. I am getting up at 5:45 a.m. to do so and those of you who know me will know that is a big leap in and of itself. I have signed myself up on www.mapmyfitness.com and linked it to my facebook so I can track my progress. It is a great site that is simple to use. It allowed me to map out the route I walk in my neighborhood and gives me the distance, the calories I burn(for those of you looking to keep track of such things ;)), and the time I've spent exercising. I have also enlisted the help of a walking buddy to hold me accountable so I don't just turn off my alarm clock. Coincidentally my walking buddy is my children's pediatrician so I really can't just no show her. ha.

I am going to sign myself up to run in the race for the cure, ( http://www.komenlowcountry.org/)and even if I walk a bit, I am committed to doing it. I've decided this week that even if I cross the finish line last and lose my breakfast I'm doing it, and after that I'm going to keep going further. I dream of having a healthy fit body that actually IS fit instead of just looking it.

Simply Daydreaming Saturday #1 - become a runner. Run races. Use the healthy body I've been given! Wish me luck!

Sometimes a girl just needs a really great girlfriend!

Proverbs17:17 NIV
"A friend loves at all times,..."

Let me start off by addressing the word "need". I think most of us try to evaluate needs based on what we "think" God would accept as a true need. Food, water, shelter, and so on. The truth of the matter is though that God created us so intricately that he has placed in us needs for several different levels of fellowship to fully flourish as Christians. Fellowship goes beyond just being a good person. It is deeper than just doing something nice for someone as it involves really practicing "Christlike love". It enables us to make habit of being held accountable, and holding others accountable to his desires for our lives and how we interact with not only our "friends", but the human race in general. 

Le me just say that my husband is a wonderful companion. He is the kind of partner that doesn't use the word "partner". Most often he just gives with no intention of receiving, and tries his best to help me in every life situation even when as a man he just can't understand why certain things get under my skin. He loves me unconditionally which is so beautiful, but has one minor flaw. It makes my ability to bring him down and steer him away from the right things a bit easier. When I'm down I can bring him down with me because he loves me. When I'm up I can pull him up because he loves me. My opinions hold weight on his as his also do for mine. We do our best to hold one another accountable, and motivate in the right ways, but sometimes we fail. This is especially true when we argue. We don't always see things from one another's perspective, and that is where the need for a friend comes in. 

I need a friend. A girl friend. I need a Christian, Christlike, Girl friend. Someone who can see me with understanding and appreciation of our differences. Someone who can listen and offer wisdom without judgment. Someone who can feel comfortable offering perspective when things aren't great with my husband and I. Someone who can help me rise above silly issues in life and offer a shoulder when it hurts anyway even if it is silly. I need someone who values their relationship with God and has a desire to grow. I need someone who values my marriage and wants to see me happy. I know they say misery loves company, and I do NOT need a miserable friend. 


I struggle with finding this type of person for a few reasons. The first one is loyalty. I'm a southern girl raised in a relatively small area, and its the kind of place where friends stay friends. It is so hard to admit that one of my "friends" might be a great person, and even a good Christian, but just isn't motivational and uplifting for me. It is hard to discern the lines between acquaintances and friends. 


I also struggle with the "she's cool" factor. Sometimes I can meet someone who is just really funny, or entertaining, and I know that they are not walking in the same direction as I, but for some reason I just think they are cool. Generally this does not end well. 


Lastly I find that I struggle sometimes with people wanting to take a lot of my time. The goal I have for myself and the division of my time is God, Brad, our kids, and then everyone else. I believe that I should be dating Brad more often than my friends, and that my children's needs for structure are more important that hanging every day with a friend for my own socialization needs. 


When I moved to TX I really began to evaluate the women that I met and our potential to grow together in friendship. It began with eliminating some old life long friends that really broke my heart by not understanding that my husband's job came before my selfish desire to stay in TN. It makes it easy to distance yourself from someone who clearly has a selfish position in the friendship. 
Next I spent time listening to the women I was meeting and tried to steer clear from those interested in mean spirited gossip. I know talking is going to happen. We are women and that is what we do, but ironically it was watching the Duggars on TLC that really made me see that discussing someone else should really be done in an  encouraging manor even when it seems that something really unpleasant is going on. I realized that I never ever want to be responsible for making another person feel badly about themselves. I hate when that happens to me, and I just want no part of it. 
Now I am letting go of the "cool" factor. I am more concerned with what I can offer someone rather than what they have to offer me. I made a deal with myself to never take part in a lie. That was much much easier than I first thought, and never to share my displeasure with a friend with any other friend. Yes Brad and my momma get an ear full from time to time, but nonetheless I don't take the dirty laundry to the public wash so to speak. 


I think that it is not unreasonable to seek such friends. I was just reading someone's facebook post the other day where the person was baffled by the fact that most people find their spouse in their early to mid twenties. Is it so strange to also make it a priority to find in our early adulthood good life long friends. Is it so terrible to evaluate friends you made in elementary school and finally accept that their ability to bring you down is greater than your ability to bring them up and create a little distance to protect yourself from mistakes. 


Just something to think about. Maybe now that I have some true blues... I'll discuss it with my friends! ;)

If you really knew me... forget what you knew.

Jer 29:11 (NIV)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


Over the past five years and three months the only certain things in my life were my faith, and my children. Let me just say that I dearly love my husband, and we are a happily married couple. From the outside looking in I think most would argue that we have always been happy. Anyone who lives in reality and is married knows however, that it isn't always the case in a marriage for two people to constantly be happy and feel secure.

MTV has a show now where high school students play a game called "If you really knew me you'd know that...". Here is my version.

If you really knew me you'd know that I am a taker. I give yes, but in my marriage I am a taker. My love language is not just one but all five. I love gifts from my husband that let me know he is thinking of me, and I love acts of service. Words of affirmation are something I crave as well, though I clearly know what that stems from. The point is that he is a giver of these things. Albeit not always willingly and with a happy heart, but a giver just the same.
If you really knew me you'd know that 12 months ago my life was forever changed. I have been a "Christian" my entire life and have had times where the strength of the spirit was a fire in me more powerful than any temptation or fear. At times though I have fallen victim to myself and the world and even in my adult life felt the need to stand on neutral ground so that I wouldn't be seen as offensive. Twelve months ago my daughter was born premature and I began to wonder exactly what the driving force in my life was. Even with the birth of my son I had a strong pull to be an example in his life, but it wasn't until my daughter was almost due that I realized that I was a leader wasting a gift. A supporter taking support but not giving it at my full potential at all, and a believer acting as though the power of what I believe is as normal and every day as eating breakfast.
If you really knew me you'd know that a realist would say my husband should have his eye on other jobs right now because in all reality his boss does not currently own a plane. I should be afraid about money, and I should be terrified at the thought of losing some of the best friends I have ever had in my life.
If you really knew me you would know that I am a "tell it like it is" kind of gal and sometimes even when the way it is isn't pleasant. You'd know that I've been known to hear constructive criticism and hide behind words like "Well this is how God made me. Sorry".
If you really knew me you'd know I am so so attached to my parents and that I am so insecure I can't even stand to hear that they are having a fun time with my brothers without me. You'd know that it is even worse when they say something about my sister in law relating to her being fun to be around and I feel like it is some sort of comparison to me and I feel threatened.

Here is where this all changes. I'm going to change the game just a bit.

If you know me now I want you to know that I am no longer the person I just described.

Pulling into South Carolina last October I felt a peace and calm I can't begin to explain. I knew this was where God wanted us to be. Everything fell right into place. Our home, church, friends, job. It was all right. It IS all right. Like I said before I might have plenty of reasons to be afraid today, but I know a couple things for very certain,
The first thing is that the Collins family was planted here for a reason. Not by mistake. Not by our choosing, but by our honest broken desperation and seeking the Lord's plan for a job for us. Charleston was nowhere on our radar and this job literally fell into our lap. Now with no plane to fly, though we still have a job, I am NOT afraid. I see it as a blessing. My husband had an amazing gift of being home very single day with his family. Challenging yes, but worth it... OH YES!! Our children can't even comprehend the gift that they have that other children won't know.
 Second is that his plans for me here don't stop today, or even this month. I felt a strong urge to get involved with the children's ministry at our church, but never asked anyone. VBS fell into my lap out of a need for a Rec. leader, and now I am committed to a bible study for the fall with young kids. I had no guidance for a curriculum, but after some prayer I have a plan that I not only want to share with the kids, but that I will be blogging about as it feels powerful to me. I am constantly making new solid foundation friendships and starting to mold my spiritual gifts.
I am learning to be a giver. I am learning the true meanings of Love and not in the romantic sense. In the Christ sense. I can honestly say that my feelings if insecurity when it comes to my family are gone. I have a strong desire to have a wonderful relationship with my sister to be, and I can't wait to welcome her into our family. I am learning that "the way God made me" is not final at twenty six! I am a growing and changing work, and my flaws are not set in stone. I will grow and I will learn. I will become the type of giver that I am to my children for my husband. I'm not someone who hates doing dishes. I'm just someone who hasn't perfect the art yet. HA. I am not a neutral Christian. I am most of all not fearful for my future. I am hopeful, and thankful to be given this clarity at 26 and the opportunity to grow and learn now while my kids are so young so that they may see a Christian example through me. I am going to be an accepting person who loves people, but does not embrace sin no matter who is involved and no matter how much I love them.

I am God's and he is changing me. I am blooming here in SC and ready to see just how beautiful the life he has for me will be. The friendships he is giving me are those of fellowship, accountability, and growth, and keeping me secure in my belief that this is the city he has planned for me.

"Life at the Collins' House" - A life in bottles.

My husband's new hobby is photography. I have to say I don't think he's too terrible at it. He daily amazes me with awesome photos of the most simple things. Today I'm focused on this one. The bottle parts.
Our day normally starts with the baby waking my husband between 5 and 7 for a bottle of milk. At 5a.m. nobody likes to be yanked out of sleep by a baby fussing for milk, but as I stare at the photo I am reminded to be thankful for the bottle. I'm thankful that my husband's job provides for her to have the best bottles around that are even made without dangerous chemicals. That she has more than one which means her mommy can spend just a bit more time with her in the day instead of constantly having to wash the same bottle. I'm thankful for the milk. We have an endless supply. There is never a time when we can't afford milk.
Today staring at this photo I'm reminded to give thanks, but also to be silent in prayer for those less fortunate than my daughter. For children with no milk, or clean bottles. I'm thankful for the time I have been given as a stay at home mother and the opportunity to have the extra 15 minutes to load up the dishwasher with bottles.
I plan to place this photo next to my sink and attempt to remember that those little bottles don't represent time lost, but gained, and that the energy spent is just spent giving my sweet girl life! Bottles never looked so good!!!!!

Willinly being a wife...and daughter?

I know so many couples who spent years together just dating. I know couples who had a lot of time to evaluate that the person they were to marry was exactly who God had planned for them.
I married my husband one year, one month, and one day after the first time I laid eyes on him. He did not have all of the requirements on my "Husband list". I did not meet every "good little wife" ideas that he had. He was a bit wilder than I with a slightly different relationship with God than I. I was a good girl who hated to clean, could bake but not cook, and didn't even own a car.
Somehow though, a one hour phone call led to a first date. He was a pilot and I a flight attendant. The thrill of being apart and missing one another was romantic and kept us both interested. Two weeks in we had a conversation something like: "I want to get married and start a family." "I do too!" A few I love you's and a puppy later we were married. We bought our first home and were on our way to babyville.
That was December 2006. Since then we lost one job, lost 2/3rds of a salary at another, moved 8 times, and had 2 children. One premature and needing time in the NICU.
I knew when I married my husband that we might move for work. I thought maybe a couple hours from home, or maybe just once. I had no way of knowing that my successful pilot would be the victim of a terrible economy in a country where the president would instruct business men to eliminate spending by not having planes.
The last 4 years have not always been easy. It wasn't easy to be expecting our first child and lose our job. It wasn't easy to move to Houston, TX 1000 miles away from all we had each ever known. It wasn't easy to lose a good amount of our belongings in a hurricane that hit our home that was miles and miles form the shore. It hasn't been easy for the two of us who started with a lovely savings account to watch it go away and understand what debt means.
All of that being said.. I married my husband willingly. I moved all 8 times with him willingly. I carried our beautiful children willingly. I have willingly albeit also necessarily prayed for job satisfaction and fulfillment for my husband.
I am seeing that doing something because you have no other option does NOT mean you are willing. I did not go back to TX for the second time willingly. I don't even want to think about how I might find willingness were I made to leave SC.
God has provided a most beautiful opportunity to bloom here and being that I am so happy I feel a slight fear of the unknown. A fear of job loss and need to move. Its just the nature of the business.
I'm seeing that God has blessed me greatly in my willingness to be a good wife. To follow where my husband leads. The part I have to come to terms with, to lay down before God, is learning how to willingly trust in his plan for my life. To willingly be at peace in every moment and embrace all of the ebb and flow of my husband's job with a most thankful heart for his ability to provide. To be willing to lead my children no matter where life takes us, and to bloom where we are planted and thank God in this moment instead of fearing the next.
I'm overly willing to be a faithful wife. Its the hopeful, trusting daughter part that I need to focus on.

green beans, ants, and a mommy on the edge!

Alone time. Where is mine? Do we get a certain allotment or is it only given after exemplary behavior? I have spent two nights without children in 32 months. I wasn't with my husband and I slept only for 2 hours in my best friend's bed and 2 hours in a hotel room. (I know how that sounds, but I was ALONE, and driving back from Nashville I got too tired. )

As I look around at the disheveled mess that was my clean house just two short days ago I am exhausted. There are green beans and carrots deep down in the lining of the high chair which means stripping it and washing ALL of it. There were ants in our kitchen yesterday because my two year old son REFUSES to sit down at his little table for any period exceeding thirty seconds. Naturally he is still hungry every time he gets up so the food goes straight into the living room. Its a huge no no, but its only a 2 foot walk so by the time I see him he's already lounging on the couch with a fist full of goldfish, fingers glowing in all of their yellow cheese powder glory.
Every time there is a fit the milk cup goes flying and though it is seriously the most leak proof cup I have ever encountered ( Nalgene Tritan Grip n Gulp. Can be found at Dick's sporting goods and Target stores in the exercise/camping section) there is still somehow a bit of "milk spit" in the hard top nipple that goes flying. Not enough to make a real mess, but just enough to drive one woman crazy.

I'm so proud of how well my children get along. They truly do play well together until they don't, and growing up with three brothers I know that sometimes they won't. The green monster is starting to rear his ugly head in my beautiful little boy. Abram now wants only to be a "baby". He no longer wants to potty train. He wants to eat baby food puffs, and he pushes,knocks down, snatches toys from his sister every chance he gets.
Terrible two's are in full force and "NO" is the first word to EVERY question. "Do you need to potty?" "NO!!" "Do you want a pb&j?" "NO!!" "Will you ever say anything besides NO?" "NO!"

I now grasp fully why "Super Nanny" exists. Its days like today when a woman's husband is at work, her kids rise early, the house gets trashed, and she's too tired to deal. Now I find myself more often than breaths I'm taking, saying "NO" to everything. No screaming, no jumping on the couch, no tackling me just because I sat on the floor for a minute, NO playing in the potty. Etc. NO. Etc.

Today I will "willingly" put both of my children down for a nap at the same time. (They do this most days, but day it is mandatory). I will force myself to set a strict time line and clean up their gigantic mess, change out the laundry (most likely after rewashing the things that got left in there for the last 24 hours), SHOWER, and prepare myself for the last 4 hours of the day with them. My son will sleep in his own bed tonight and at 9p.m. I WILL get my alone time. Even if I only last for 30 mins.

Things that Matter. Things that don't. Everything in between.

I am going to start evaluating 3 things. Each of which are listed in the title. I'll begin with what is weighing on me most heavily today.

I've really been thinking a lot lately on where we are as the Collins four. How are our kids developing? How are we doing as parents?  I find myself focusing a lot on Abram. Evelyn is happy and other than the allergies from the newly found congested air of the Low Country she is healthy.

Abram is so smart. He was ahead of his classmates all year from what I gathered at my parent teacher meeting. Not socially of course because this was really his first time since birth to be in a regular social environment. He had to work hard and still does on sharing.
He sleeps in his own bed, and for the most part eats okay foods. He loves candies and baked goods, but he likes fruits and takes his vitamin. We don't have any problems behaviorally. This kid takes himself to time out when asked to do so. I know I let myself get exhausted with him at times, but seriously he is a GREAT kid. This is not to toot my own horn, because I'm still very much a beginner mom. In finding himself and developing his own unique personality I am super pleased to see that he truly is and desires to be sweet and kind. He is wonderful with Evelyn and cares for her emotional needs often.

Why then do I feel that something is missing? Like I'm working hard on developing things I've read are "good for him developmentally", but I'm somehow missing a bigger picture.

It started about 6 moths ago when we moved here. I began to feel an overwhelming urge to spend more cuddle time with both of my kids, but Abram in particular as I always hold Evelyn already. I started to question if there might be a time when co-sleeping with Abram might be beneficial for him in his need to have his "Love Languages" met. If I am in my room aching to hold him, how does he feel in his bed after hearing me say "no son you need to sleep in your own bed."?
Am I missing out on something wonderful that I only have a precious few years to share with my son? I'm not saying I want to move him into our bedroom, but maybe implement Saturday night slumber parties.

So far I am pondering several things that could fall in question as to whether they matter or not. I plan to pray on each subject until I feel let in any one direction on each particular matter. So far though I'm feeling that forcing my child to sleep in his own bed every single night of his so that he develops into a  well rounded secure adult isn't going to make much difference. He has already learned the skill. He is confident in his room. One night a week should be the thing that matters and not what may or may not happen in the extremely distant future. The simplest fact is that I deeply love my son. I want him to  KNOW that!

My how the time does fly. Especially when you don't have time to blog.

Nine days later here I am. It is the first time that I have had true free time.

In the past nine days I have been to/done the following:

picked up the class guinea pig for a four day stay at our house
potty trained my toddler (This includes cleaning up TONS of messes. Even "duce-a-rooski" on my carpet)
been to the pediatrician and the emergency room
provided snacks for the preschool class
cleaned up more duce-a-rooski

I am exhausted. I can't imagine if I had kept a tab on how many times i "accidentally" raised my voice, but I can say it is less and less each day. Its amazing how actively pursuing a lifestyle change can happen through simple repetition. Or maybe its easier because I call my husband out when he raises his voice, so my natural competitive nature won't let me yell because I have to WIN! lol

I have seen positive changes in both myself, my marriage, and my relationship with my children in the past weeks. Abram seems to be more willing to please and obey the rules. Evelyn is her normal amazing self, but is taking a bottle now for the first time and seeming to love it. She is sleeping which must mean she is more secure feeling.

God has blessed me with the sunshine which is greatly helping me reduce the amount of television I watch.

I'm still not doing that great with the willingness to get up when I'm tired, but then again I knew it would be the doozy. One thing or another is bound to happen. Either I will learn or she will sleep. Sometimes I'd love to see God's playbook, but where is the fun in that, right?

I can say that the change in my willing attitude has seemingly made my husband much less worried about what I'm doing. There are dishes out today, but he hasn't seemed to notice. There is laundry, but its out of sight in the basket, and he hasn't mentioned it. We're enjoying things as a family. I guess I am a more integral part of our happiness as a family than I realized. Daddy brings home the bacon, but it only nourishes the body if momma cooks it. Is that a gem or what? I bet I could sell that on a poster in Pigeon Creek, Alabama. (If you're lost on Pigeon Creek *Can't ride two horses with one *** sugar bean* probably won't mean a thing to you.) Is it okay if I use stars instead of the curse since I can't say the curse? Makes me think of Walk the Line when Jerry Lee is talking about the forbidden fruit... "He said don't touch it. Don't think about touching it. Don't sing about thinkin' about touchin' it. Don't TOUCH IT." How will I ever get curse words out of my head when they are embedded in my very favorite all time movie lines??

I'm rambling. I know. All in all a fantastic week on the Lent front at my house. Funny that I fell off the blog wagon right after I posted about not falling off!

Nothing like cleaning when you're angry after zero sleep!

For reasons I won't name I was angry this morning. My tolerance bucket was down to nothing and my husband kicked it over. I think if one can find a silver lining on a bad start, then it sort of trumps the bad. Am I right?

So I cleaned.

I did laundry including putting away kids clothes and even going through and ridding the closets of things that are too small. I straightened every room in the house. It was productive. The anger gave me the energy to get my rear in gear and eliminate some of the stress lingering in the house. All of which was done "willingly" but not so much with a gracious heart. Dinner however, was completely out of love. It may not have been the best gourmet meal in town, but I also cleaned up the mess so hopefully that added to the way it digested for my husband.

I need to take a step back to last night before I go. It was terrible. Evelyn was up about 8 times from the time we laid her down. My heart wasn't in it at all. I have figured out that the giving in the night time will be my greatest obstacle. Tonight before I go to sleep I will pray for mercy. I will pray not only that I learn to give willingly through Evelyn's long nights, but that God will give me the peace and the desire to do it instead of me trying to find the patience on my own. I'm a human woman who loves her sleep. I'd never be able to do it on my own.

I think my Lent will extend past Easter. It might take me more than 40 days and nights to get this "willing" thing down.

I'm not a fan of trying something for a few days only to quit cold turkey!

I almost didn't post tonight. Today was completely uneventful. Evelyn's teeth were killing her so she was fussy per the norm over the last few days, but other than that today was calm. We woke, we napped, and put the kids to bed. In between we had meals, and played a lot.

I decided to post simply because I feared that if I missed today I'd miss tomorrow. That isn't quite what I had in mind for this blog. Also I think it would represent a certain level if disrespect for what I'm trying to accomplish. I am not working on denying myself willingly for myself. I'm doing it out of adoration and respect for Jesus Christ and what his sacrifice means in my life and my future. I can't imagine what this world would be if God had hung in there with us for a few days and then became complacent.

Since today was a good effort on my Lent, I'll just close my evening with a word of thanksgiving. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be alive, to share this life with my husband and our beautiful kids, and to have the chance to attempt to do all of this in a way that might be pleasing to the Lord. I'm thankful that as the challenges of this coming week expose my weaknesses, I can find comfort in knowing that I am already forgiven for my failures.

On a day when it all came easily...

Today was a great day though it may not have seemed that way on paper. We are potty training. For most parents those are hard days peppered with small and large victories, but not usually considered "good" days. Those are the days imperative to get to a string of good diaper free days. For us it was a wonderful potty training day. Not a single underwear change from about 10a.m. on. I don't care who you are, that is exciting!

Another good part of my day was our sick appointment at the pediatrician. Yes I said "good" and "sick appointment" in the same sentence. My 2 year old has Croup and I was sent home with medicine for my baby girl because it is highly likely that she will get it also. I'm happy about the visit though because my sweet little boy when to the doctor in his underwear and didn't even bat an eye! He behaved amazingly for me and our awesome doctor. He was sweet and funny and loving all day long. Also Croup is easily fixed unlike all of the other possible issues his nasty cough could have been indicating.

I baked today. That is always a stress point because I usually make a huge mess and... Yes! You guessed it... leave it in the sink. I baked and didn't leave a single dirty dish!

My husband left me for about 3 hours with a teething baby and a potty training toddler and I found the time to play with both of my children never thinking of the other things I could have been doing, and I straightened up the house a bit.

Today God blessed me with a giving heart. I felt willing. I felt motivated. I hope I feel this way again tomorrow!

With no major fails today I guess now I need 20 more days like this one to make it a habit! Ha! I'm going to need to pray about it more I think!

These children can't belong to me....tales of a sleep deprived woman.

I LOVE sleep! I super love it when I'm extra tired and that moment comes when my head hits the pillow. I love to wake up feeling fully rested. At least I think I do. I have not risen fully rested in 7 months. Pregnancy wasn't wonderful, but I did occasionally get awesome sleep. For the past seven months it has been 1 hour here 3 hours there and it never fails that the moment I hit deep sleep the baby cries. My loving husband does get up faithfully in the mornings with BOTH children and lets me sleep until I'm ready to wake up or around 10:30. Whichever comes first. That means I am not getting on average 3 to 5 hours of nearly uninterrupted sleep. It would be seamless if the neighbor's dogs didn't bark, the geese didn't yell, and the kid across the street didn't unfailingly get his mother's key chain and set off her car alarm at 8:15.

This brings me to my kids. Mostly Evelyn. I'll give Abram credit where it is due. He is an excellent sleeper. His problem is with "going" to sleep, but we'll get there in due time. Back to Evelyn. She has NEVER been a sleeper since birth. She pretended to be for about 3 weeks in October when I was visiting my mother, but she is just not as into it as the rest of the Collins household. She is up making some sort of noise be it crying or other at least 5 times a night. 5 TIMES! No wonder I can't stay healthy so says Dr. Oz. Uninterrupted sleep is crucial to good healthy. Still yet this is not really the largest problem at hand.

Since I am working on the "willingly" attitude I have been "okay" with the noise/getting up 3-5 times a night. Its what happens before bed that is driving me crazy and pushing me over the edge of sanity. Cut back to the toddler.

We have always had a great routine with Abram, or so I thought. Bath, book, prayer, songs, bed. Well I don't know how much you know about terrible two's, but they are truly terrible. Having a short stack that is extra intelligent and verbal trying to make up his own mind about EVERYTHING is a struggle. Don't ever pray for God to give you patience because he may send you a 2 year old to teach you in that area. As soon as we even mention bed it is freak out mode major. WHY? Its the same thing every night. I thought children thrived on routine? He was fine until we moved here. Now its not only a chore to get him up the stairs, in his pajamas, teeth brushed, still for the book and prayer, and in his bed, but he doesn't go to sleep for most nights at least an hour after we lay him down.

When focusing on the questions from yesterday I realized bedtime is a major stress, and it is one of the main times when I lose my soft voice, patient attitude with him. I find myself trying every trick in the book. First I'm sweet, but he's not having it. Then I try to talk about what the next day holds for us hoping to distract him, or bribe him sort of to get ready for bed. Next we move on to threats of time out. BOO. That takes it to a negative level. Bedtime is a WONDERFUL thing. Why doesn't my child understand that?

I guess its time to do some creative parent reading and figure out if there is even a solution. A way to get my toddler into a more comfortable place with his bedtime routine. Until then I guess I will be thanking God for giving me SO MANY opportunities to practice my patience. At least if I slip up I can blame it on lack of sleep right?

I "was" willing. How far can one woman be pushed?

I was willing. I was willing right up until my daughter began to cry only an hour after I had fallen asleep. I needed Brad. Luckily for all parties involved he was much more willing that Mommy. All it took was a pacifier, but I was almost drugged feeling having just dozed off. Not the perfect way to start off my selfless giving. My darling girl woke again at two. I got up, but I think it took me a minute or two to find my willing gracious heart. She needed Tylenol for her impending tooth. Number three is on its way, and it is having its way with our household during sleeping hours. At five I was so pleasantly surprised to have gotten three hours of sleep that I nearly jumped out of bed to go and feed her. "Willing" is my middle - no FIRST name when I've had sleep! She was right back to sleep UNTIL 6 when of course the nasty tooth monster invaded her beautiful rest. More tylenol and she was off in dream land until 8:15 when she woke happily. Will work harder on myself during the nighttime hours. I will pray that I can willingly wake when needed with a gracious and thankful heart. I will repeat that prayer until I get it, or until we sleep through the night. Any bets on which comes first???

I was on a roll with my language. Soft sweet voice. Careful about my words. That is until my loving husband decided to blow up our bathroom RIGHT when I had just entered the shower. Nothing like a steamy hot STINKY bathroom peppered with Fabreeze to help me feel clean and refreshed after my shower. *Four letter word slip* oops. It wasn't in anger, but rather in a teasing way. The "S" word, which was likely most everyone's first curse word aside from H.E. double hockey sticks! lol! (I have not said that since I was 8 or so. The "hockey sticks" part. I say the real word too often cause I'm bad so watch out!!) NOT a good start on that front. Will work harder. Will focus on watching my mouth! I think the biggest struggle is the willingly part. I could totally deprive myself of that habit. I don't dare utter a nasty word in front of my grandmother. I can focus on making it a priority and not because I have to, but because I want to eliminate it. It doesn't help me any and certainly doesn't make me sound educated.

This brings me to the dishes. It started out rocky. I had my heaping bowl of captain crunch and set it on the counter, but within a few minutes I noticed it. I beat Brad to cleaning it up so success was mine! Still a bit late though, and he really prefers I do it when I'm finished with the bowl. I made up for that the rest of the day. I even cleaned for him as he went while he was making our delicious buttery garlic turkey burgers for dinner! Excellent finish on that effort today if I do say so myself. I did clean willingly most of the day, except during one part when I had asked Brad to start dinner. I was cleaning and he was on his computer. At that moment my heart wasn't in it, but I recovered.

Let me just be clear that this Blog is not to toot my own horn on my successes. I needed a way to hold myself accountable. So far its working.

Lastly I read and article that helped me with my "kind words, soft voice, calm attitude" towards Abram situation. Here is the link: http://health.yahoo.com/featured/84/two-simple-ways-to-be-a-happier-parent/

In this article the writer poses two questions. 1. When are you and your children happiest together? 2. When are you most unhappy or stressed? Don't quote my wording. I discovered that for us we are happiest during family play time, and most stressed when trying to get dressed to leave and when trying to get ready for bed. I plan on taking a deeper look at why those times are so difficult and prepare all of us better for them in an effort to reduce the stress.

"They" say it takes 21 times to makes something a habbit. Well in 20 days I hope I can title a post "I AM Willing" the majority of the time. Right now I teeter between was, am, and will be.

Trying to win a give away from Sassy Babies Utah - Do you want to win?

Crystal Guti 3/8/2010 GIVEAWAY Petunia Pickle Bottom CAKE Clutch~ Yes we are AWESOME :)
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Day 1 - Ash Wednesday I'm Late!

Every year as long as I can remember I've "given up" something "willingly" for Lent. I can't think of a single year that I remembered to deny myself the full time. Mostly I'd give up chocolate or the occasional 4 letter word. Okay more than occasional some years. Who am I kidding?

This year something was definitely different. I didn't want to give up something insignificant. I wanted to understand what it meant to deny myself something and to grasp more fully the purpose of "Giving up for Lent".

Brad and I discussed a few things but didn't really nail anything down. Frustrating. I have made a positive effort the last 2 weeks to watch my language for words I wouldn't want Abram repeating. I.e. "Stupid", "dumb", "Hate". I've tried to lower my voice when I am angry or frustrated instead of raising it and loosing my cool.

It wasn't until this morning at our play date that it hit me what I had been trying to say and do, but just couldn't quite say it right.

Being a Mommy there are TONS of things I can't have or do. I deny myself constantly. No : traveling at the drop of a hat, no late night dinners, no alcohol, no long walks with my husband on a whim without the kids. Until recently I couldn't eat a multitude of things as they would upset Evelyn's little tummy. Most importantly to me I have given up precious uninterrupted much needed SLEEP!!! I have not had a full night's sleep in exactly 16 months. Not during pregnancy because as you other mommies know, the bladder calls at night and often. Not since Evelyn was born because God blessed me with the amazing blessing of being able to nurse her, and she wakes in the night at least once for that even now at 7 months. My friend said it perfectly today when she said: "I can't give up one more thing!" I can't give up one more thing and keep my sanity, and I don't think Brad can either. She told me she had decided to practice giving up all of the things she HAS to give up more willingly.

So here I am. For 40 days and 40 nights (give 2 weeks as I'm Late for actual Ash Wed.), and I do hope for the rest of my life, I plan to give of myself to my husband, kids, family, friends, church, community, and my God WILLINGLY! I will work at not feeling sorry for myself when I am groggy at 5 a.m. and Evelyn wants to start her day. I will not do things for my husband because I "have" to, but I will learn to "want" to. This will be particularly hard in matters of the kitchen sink. See Bradley for details if you must.

Here is my list to live by for Lent season and beyond!:

speak patiently and quietly

be an example of encouragement and tolerance

wake every time my children need me without feeling like I deserve sleep. I did NOT deserve such precious gifts as my children, but God trusted me with their care. Surely I can get up in the night with a gracious heart for a few more months right?

not loose my cool when my SMART 2 yr old acts.....like a 2 yr old!

make lunches, give baths, sing 100 bedtime songs after 1000 stories with a smile on my face, and never complain of being tired

Play with my son and daughter on the floor IN the playroom without that nagging feeling that I need to be doing housework, or checking my computer, etc. etc. etc.

Put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher or wash them as soon as I'm done with them instead of putting them in the sink for a few hours. It drives the man crazy, and I love him so I will give the extra few seconds to clean up my mess willingly on his time frame instead of my own.

I will blog my way through each day as it presents trials that will no doubt knock me off track, and chronicle each way that God pushes me through and blesses my efforts with a new more gracious and willing ME!